The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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