I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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