My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Soap is not a condiment
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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