I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
