i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
