Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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