Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
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I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!