GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
