I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
