cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
