It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
