Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
