I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
