if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
