you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
