Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
