what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
