Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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