i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
