I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
