I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
