I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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