Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
