I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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