The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
