Your mouth is God's brothel.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
