Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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