mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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