We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
