Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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