u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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