a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
