"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
