i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
