She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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