we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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