if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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