I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
