I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
