I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
