I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
