Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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