dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
