____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
