We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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