So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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