Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
