After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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