i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
