Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
