You surviving the open bar?
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one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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