This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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