Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
