Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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