evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
