I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
